It was all so surreal. Twenty five years had
come down to this..five minutes in a judge’s
chamber. A few questions of me while my soon-to-be-ex
sat by in support, and we would be on our way as
single people again. Single again after two
kids, three homes in two different states, and two
family sides that have been intertwined since we
were kids ourselves. In the blink of
an eye, we have become a part of the 50% of
marriages that don’t make it. It is so
unbelievable that we can not speak to each other
right after we leave the chamber, only stand in silence
trying to feel pain, joy...anything. But there
is only numbness and the anticipation of what the
next few days, even hours- will hold. Neither
of us has been in this position before and we don’t
want to say or do anything that will not be-helpful
to the other.
We are parting as friends, as co-parents, as family. As
we reach my car, the tears threaten to flow. We
allow each other the chance to witness just enough
of the underlying pain, but then quickly cover it
up so as not to cause the other to feel guilty for
where we have ended up. It is no one’s
fault, it is both of our faults.
I go shopping, that’s right, shopping at a
furniture store. It is not planned, but seemingly
a good idea as I passed by a store that I have been
meaning to visit. I walk around for all of
5 minutes and then wonder why I am there. After
I leave, my cell rings. It is my ex-that sounds
so... final. He is wanting to know if I am
ok. I assure him that I am and inquire about
him. He assures me of the same. We say “I
love you” to each other because that’s
what we have always said, and we still do. It’s
just that it sounds so different now.
As I reach my job, the reality of what has just happened
begins to hit as I reach my desk and see that my
co-workers have loaded me up with cards and gifts. They
are there to hug me, ask me why don’t I go
home instead of trying to work, and tell me how much
they love me. I start to feel the sadness creep
up out of nowhere, but then I quickly decide that
I would rather revert emotionally to the safety of
numbness which will allow me to convince them that
I am... ok. I explain to them with a straight
face and a suppression of the shakiness in my voice
that this has been a very long journey and I am just
glad that it is finally... final. Next person
I’ll convince is myself.
When I leave work, I go to
meet my sister-not by birth but by spirit. The one whom I am
safe to share all of my feelings, shortcomings,
mistakes and victories. I am thinking that
surely I will be able to be real with her. I
am thinking that hopefully I won’t embarrass
myself in the restaurant by crying. However,
as she and I are sitting down to dinner talking
about the divorce...the numbness has pulled up
a seat beside me and refuses to leave. I keep the
conversation superficial, safe.
In the hours that follow, all of the advice that
I have heard about getting through a divorce seems
to evade me. What did I read about how I
am to deal with the loss? I need to give
myself time- I know-but time for what? Oh
yes, time for healing. But I don’t
really feel broken. Then I start to wonder if maybe
I am already past all the pain. That maybe
I will surpass the emotional ups and downs that
others go through. Because he and I are
still such great friends, maybe we can bypass the
process of the “typical” volatile nature
of divorce. Then my most disturbing “maybe” of
the day arises. Am I in a fantasy land and
this thing is going to come crashing down on me
when I least expect it and someone will maybe come
to carry me away in a straight jacket? After
going through about fifty more questions in my
mind which raises another fifty, I decide to try
not to think just for the next... minute.
Getting through the initial stages of my divorce
was like having the lead role in a suspense movie
where the script was being written minute by minute. There
were times that my numbness was replaced by sadness,
anger, regret, guilt, and everything in between. The
uncertainty of what was next was the only thing
that I could count on. And since I considered
myself to be the person that everyone else could
rely upon for strength, I could not nor would not
allow these emotional twists and turns in the plot
to be witnessed by anyone else. The closest
I ever came to being detected was when my sister
would call me and hear it in my voice. She
would speak wisdom and compassion into my spirit-which
would then allow me to relax and open up for a...minute. Everyone
else was amazed that I was so very... ok.
The divorce was months ago. Now that I look
back on that time, I realize what an awesomely
blessed place it was. Not because of the divorce
being final. And not because of the friendship
and love that he and I still shared. Not
even because of the support of friends and family
around me. Those things were and still
are phenomenal. But even those things could
not compare to what was happening spiritually with
my relationship with... Him. The love and
provision, the comfort and peace, the joy of God
which I experienced on an entirely elevated level
has transformed me. My enhanced endurance,
discernment and wisdom had matured me way beyond
my own expectations. God’s powerful
presence had intensified in my thoughts, actions
and reactions-because I was reading and
following His script more than my own. He
had taken my emptiness away by transplanting His
fullness, He replaced my state of emotional bondage
with His abundance of life and liberty. I
had been set totally free.
Minute by minute passed with my knowing that whatever I
had to go through, whatever tears I would cry,
whatever pain I would feel-He would be there. His
arms were there to hold me up and keep me from
falling, His voice was there to speak words of
encouragement to my heart and keep me moving forward, His
hand was there to guide me...to the next minute.
My fears of what “will be” dissipated
when He said “Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will
strengthen you, Yes I will help you. I will
uphold you with My righteous right hand.” My
pain lessened tremendously as I read “When
you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow
you. When you walk through the fire, you
shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame
scorch you.” When insecurities and
self-doubt began to arise within me, I realized
these for what they were-weapons. And He
reminded me that “no weapon formed against
me would prosper”. Since the weapon
could not prevail over me, I boldly refused to
sabotage my own progression by succumbing to its
negative power. I refused regression.
Not only can I look back at situations
past and see how God brought me through them; and
not only can I look at where I am today and know
that God is the reason that I am here; but I am
assured that whatever happens, I will face it by
looking to Him-surviving it with Him...minute by
minute.
I have fallen in love with
the newly transformed me, gladly releasing
the me that I used to be. As I become stronger,
more confident and resilient through the knowledge
of who I am in God, I realize that the blessed
place to be in is that position of total submission
unto His will for your life. There is a place
in which you are seeking Him as purposefully as
you seek the very air that you breathe, your next
heartbeat. That place where you truly live,
move, and have your being in Him. Knowing that
you can’t do anything without Him, but all
things with Him.
My minute to minute existence
has an awesome script writer, and I passionately
understand the words of David when he wrote “The Lord is my rock and
my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength,
in whom I will trust.” Even though the
divorce was... final, I know that through Him, I
am victoriously and miraculously ...OK!
