We at AKM sat down with abstinence educator Gail Antoine.  Gail is the program director of a teen abstinence program in the Jacksonville area.   Gail is a certified abstinence educator; she is certified by the National Abstinence Association. Gail conducts faith based abstinence education in her private time.

AKM:  When should parents begin talking to their children about sex?
Gail:  Parents should begin discussing sexuality with their children at a very young age, perhaps age 5.  As soon as the parent starts assigning gender roles to the child, such as saying, “close your legs and sit like a lady,” the parent should begin the discussion about sexuality.  This talk should be a continuous, open ended discussion.  For instance, the child should be taught correct names for his or her body parts.  The child should be told that he or she should not allow anyone to touch him or her in a way that makes him or her feel uncomfortable.  A child should be told not to keep secrets.

AKM:  Should moms handle daughters and fathers sons?
Gail:  Not exclusively.  Fathers should show and tell their daughters how the daughter should be treated.  For example, a father should tell his daughter that a young man who is genuinely interested in her will want to come into the home and meet her parents.  Additionally, a father should tell his daughter that a respectable young man will not try to convince her to do anything of a sexual nature that she does not want to do.  Mothers should require their sons to treat females with dignity and respect.

AKM:  What about single parent homes-who has the talk?
Gail:  The parents should attempt to reach an agreement on what the child is going to be told about sexuality.  The parents must start and continue the dialog about sexuality.  If the parents cannot agree, or if the non custodial is absent, the custodial parent must take full responsibility for these tasks.   Additionally, all parents should demonstrate that they are approachable.  For instance, if an 8 year old comes home and asks what’s a rubber?  The child should not be chastised for asking the question.  This is an excellent opportunity for the parent to talk with the child about sex and the Biblical principle of abstinence.

AKM:  What if I’ve made lots of mistakes in this realm?
Gail:  Come clean with your children.  Tell them that you regret having had sex out of wedlock.  Tell them that you don’t want to see them make the same mistakes that you’ve made.  Additionally, live a Godly lifestyle.  It’s hard for your child to respect your position on abstinence when he or she knows that your boyfriend or girlfriend sleeps in your bedroom.  A parent’s behavior needs to be exemplary.  Parents are the single greatest influence on a child.

AKM:  If a child has already engaged in premarital sex and created a baby, should the grandparent raise the baby?
Gail:  No.  The child should be responsible for his or her own behavior.  Grandparents should certainly assist with caring for the baby, but the primary responsibility should rest on the shoulders of the teen parent.  Teen parents should be required to parent their babies.  Lay, play, pay.

AKM:  If a child is going to have sex anyway, shouldn’t the parent go ahead and educate the child about birth control?
Gail:  No, the parent should maintain his position that abstinence is God’s way.  Children need to be taught that they have the ability to control their behavior.   Children need to be taught that they can say no to their fleshly desires.  They also need to be taught that giving in to their passions can lead to disease, early death, and the termination of dreams.  Birth control methods are not 100% effective in preventing sexually transmitted diseases.

AKM:  What scriptures should a parent use when having these discussions with children?
Gail:  Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.  Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

Flee from sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body.  1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (NIV)

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.  1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  2 Corinthians 10:4-5

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature; sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.  Colossians 3:5(NIV)

Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.   1 Peter 2:11 (NIV)

AKM:  Is there a relationship between substance abuse and teen pregnancy?
Gail:  Yes, there is a high correlation between teen pregnancy and the use of drugs and alcohol.  Drugs and alcohol distort thinking and alter judgment. 

AKM:  Does teen pregnancy tend to be inter-generational.
Gail:  Unfortunately, yes.  Teen parents tend to breed teen parents.

AKM:  Sexual images and innuendo are everywhere.  What is a parent to do?
Gail:  Continue to stand your ground that abstinence is what God requires and what you as a parent expect.  Model healthy relationships.  Teach your children that healthy relationships are based on five components:

1.  honesty
2.  respect
3.  trust
4.  commitment
5.  communication

AKM:  Should girls and boys get the exact same talk?
Gail:   Not exactly.  The message of abstinence should be stressed to girls and boys.  Girls need to be taught that they are the gatekeepers.  Absent rape, if the girl doesn’t allow it, there will be no sex.  Girls need to be taught that they must require boys to treat them with dignity and respect.  Boys must be taught that they should treat girls with respect even if the girls have little or no self respect.  In my abstinence presentations, I have taught well over 1,000 boys.  When given a choice, not one of those boys has said that he wanted to take a scantily clad girl home to meet his mother.  Instead, they chose the girl who was dressed modestly as the one they’d want to take home to meet mom.

AKM:  Are there any books that you recommend?
Gail:  Bruce Cook’s Parents, Teens and Sex The Big Talk Book and Questions Kids Ask about Sex by Melissa R. Cox.  Both books are available at Booksamillion.com.

AKM:  Any closing thoughts?
Gail:  Dialog, not monologue
        Active involvement in the child’s life
        Share past experiences
Encourage children to talk to you, not their friends who often don’t know the truth

Gail is available for faith based abstinence education.  She may be reached at gmrantoine@hotmail.com or on her cell phone at 904.703.3586.