It's A Shame by Lindy Diffenbaugh

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And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering anymore, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously; yet is she thy companion and the wife of thy covenant?... Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth!
Malachi 2: 14,15b, (King James Version)

When we consider what the Lord says in His word concerning the covenant relationship between a man and a woman, we begin to get a vision that this is a Holy bond. It extends far beyond the initial and sometimes enduring physical attraction and lust that often draws men and women together. In God’s eyes, marriage is a holy covenant. In God’s heart a covenant is an enduring commitment; it is eternal. In Genesis 2:23-24 we read, “And Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh’….Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife and they shall be one flesh.” (KJV) In Proverbs 18:22 Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, said, “He who findeth a wife findeth a good thing….” He goes on to say in that verse that finding a good wife gives a man favor from the Lord. Peter tells us in 1Peter 3:7 that living with your wife according to knowledge {not judgment} and honoring her, is a key to finding favor with the Lord and answers to your prayers. Paul commands husbands in Colossians to “love your wives and be not bitter against them.” Another version of that verse says, “Husbands must love your wives and never treat them harshly.” Paul also commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. In other words, marriage is holy; it is an awesome responsibility, and by the way, God is watching, and He rewards us according to how we treat the life partner that we are in covenant with.
These are not the only words spoken by our Lord referencing the God ordained relationship between a man and a woman. The message is plain and simple throughout the Bible: Love and honor your spouse, and God will love and honor you. Treat her badly and you tie His hands; He cannot bless you.
In light of what we see in the marital relationships in the 21st century, the Biblical picture that scripture reflects sounds likes an ancient fairy tale. Consider these statistics:

Further consider that battered persons are more likely:

Battered women are prone to suffer from eating disorders, substance abuse, depression, panic disorder, suicidal ideation, and somatic complaints.
In short, relationships can be risky and painful, and they can in fact cause disability, mental and emotional impairment, and yes, even death. And NO, nobody bargains for these outcomes in the beginning.

More often than not a woman goes into a relationship with her eyes tightly shut. “Happily Ever After” is her goal. Prince Charming has swept her off her feet and rescued her from a world of despair and loneliness. But all too often the fairy tale takes a terrible twist. She did not see it coming, but now it is her face. In fact, very often it smacks her between the eyes, literally.  She did not see it coming! The logical question would be: Can we reasonably assume that she could have seen it coming if she had had enough education? The answer is absolutely. The profile of an abuser and the signs of abuse in relationships are distinct and discernable if we know what we are looking for.

In a normal healthy relationship we expect equality. We expect to enjoy non-threatening behavior, mutual respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, responsible parenting, shared responsibility, economic partnership, and negotiation and fairness. This is a relationship that a person can relax in and enjoy peace and fulfillment.  In an abusive relationship, on the other hand, power and control come into play and are the dominant factors that rule the relationship. Intimidation and emotional abuse are the order of the day. Isolation is often used to allow the abuser exclusive access and control of the victim. Minimizing and denying the severity of the situation and blaming the victim for creating the problems in the relationship are common tactics to perpetuate the violence. Children are used as pawns to suit the abuser’s needs and desires and economic abuse insures that the abuser can dominate the relationship. Male privilege keeps the victim subservient to the abuser and coercion and threats force the victim to do things that she would otherwise never dare to consider.

As you read these two opposite models of relationship, which one did you relate to more readily? In your relationship are you an equal partner, do you feel satisfied and fulfilled most of the time, and do you feel that you have a sense of mutual respect with your partner? Or, is there an ongoing power struggle between you your partner? Do you feel like you don’t have a voice, a choice, or a hope of ever having one in the relationship? Are you made to feel guilty all of the time? Is there always a standard to meet and do you measure up? Are you depressed? Are you eating more than usual, or do you depend on alcohol to help you get through the day? Are finances a struggle, or do you always have to quit your job because it does not measure up to his standards or expectations? If you answered “Yes” to more than one or two of these questions, please keep reading!

Another consideration in our efforts to educate ourselves in the profile of an abusive relationship is something we call “The Cycle of Abuse.” The dominant feature to be sensitive to in relationships is tension. Minor stress has a profound effect on the abuser. In fact sometimes he becomes tense and withdrawn when there is no discernable tension in his life. As the tension builds within him, he becomes more irritable. Sometimes he blames his partner, and sometimes he blames others. Sometimes he withdraws, and sometimes he erupts. Sometimes he screams; sometimes he hits; sometimes he uses a weapon. This part of the profile is unpredictable because it is subject to the personality of the abuser. But be certain, there will not be tension without an outward expression of the tension. If the abuser feels tension, the partner is going to pay. When the tension is released, the abuser expresses remorse and promises to never react that way again. There is heaven in the home and in the relationship until the tension begins to build again. Each time the cycle repeats itself, the reaction gets worse and the apologies become greater. Then there is a honeymoon, until the tension builds again.  The batterer is sincere in his apologies, and the victim believes that it will never happen again. If you are the victim, you may hear yourself saying things like, “He says he loves me,” “He really needs me,”: “He says he will never do it again.” “He says he is sorry.” At some point in time these words should begin to ring hollow in your mind and heart, and you should begin to recognize that you are living out your relationship in an unending cycle of abuse. At some point it is imperative that you realize that your safety is threatened, and if you have children, you are putting them at risk by staying in the relationship. Assess the lethality of the situation. Has he threatened to kill you or himself? Does the perpetrator have access to a weapon (note: kitchen knives and baseball bats are weapons!)? Is there alcohol or drug use? What has been his level of rage?

The last point to consider is that violence does not only occur in marital relationships. Teenagers are vulnerable. You can be vulnerable in your relationship with your boss. As a child you may experience the dynamics of power and control and the cycle of abuse from a parent or even an older sibling. As a teen or young adult, if the dynamics of abuse sound a lot like what you are living with in your current relationship, you need to seriously consider seeking help in finding a way out of that relationship. You may rationalize that “things will get better when we marry…when he changes jobs….if we can just get away from his mother….” Understand that patterns of abuse are deeply embedded features of the personality structure, and they are enduring life patterns that do not usually change when circumstances change or improve. They are triggered by inner impulses that even the abuser sometimes does not understand. He may say that he needs YOU, but he does not. You cannot rescue him. You must seek safety and protect yourself and your children, if you have them.

If you are in an abusive relationship and you need help finding your way out, do not hesitate to contact my office or the office of another mental health, social services, or pastoral professional. If you need help immediately because you sense that your life or safety are at risk the numbers to the abuse hotlines are:
FLORIDA
1-800-500-1119

NATIONAL

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

TDD (For the deaf and hearing impaired)
1-800-787-3224

If you recognize that you have fallen prey to an abusive relationship, please consider the following points to ponder:

• No one deserves to be abused
• No one causes another person to become violent
• Conflict is inevitable; Violence is a choice
• The abuser is responsible and is in need of help
• Hitting pushing, shoving, slapping, etc. are crimes.
• You are not alone
• You can survive this
• You deserve better
• No matter how powerful the abuser is, YOUR GOD IS BIGGER!